COMING OUT
There
are few set rules to this often harrowing
experience, mostly there are merely guidelines
based on the experiences of others, but from the
knowledge of many of those experiences,
including my own, this article has been written
with an aim to help those considering "coming
out".
Of the few rules there are, one hard and fast
one is to always do what you think is best for
you - but to do it considerately. Another is
that before even contemplating coming out to
anyone, especially to your family, you do need
to be absolutely sure in yourself that you
really are gay. Don't base anything on just a
few pleasurable experiences you may have had
with someone of the same sex. Straight people do
sometimes experiment (as many as one in every
five males will have same-sex at some time in
their lives - statistics that are a blessing to
many a gay man) and they do often enjoy it - so
be thoroughly sure before dropping what to some
people might be a bombshell! Few will thank you
later for a: "Whoops! I got it wrong!"
Once you have completely accepted that you are
gay then the whole coming out issue raises its
ugly head. You will find yourself questioning:
Do I really need to tell anyone? Should I try to
keep it a secret? Should I tell my parents? And
if so - both of them, or just one of them - at
least at first? How about my brothers and
sisters; the rest of the family; and my friends
- should they all be told? Then there's the
people at work - do they need to know?
Each person's situation will be different, and
only they will have the best idea of who, if
anybody, they should tell. Some people will feel
it is best to tell everyone - others to tell
no-one. Some won't want to tell either one, or
both, of their parents because they "know" it
would devastate them, or they would simply never
understand, whilst others may conclude it is
best to keep it under wraps at work. With
friends, especially close ones, you may think
you know who you could, and who you could not,
confide in. It is you and you alone who will be
the best judge of each situation, but you will
need to have done some groundwork on which to
base your conclusions. An obvious way if you are
unsure of someone is to pass a casual
non-judgemental comment on something gay that is
in the newspaper or on the television (there's
usually something around most times) to see how
they react.
If you do decide to come out to someone, then
this is no time to rush into anything. You will
need to pick a good time to tell them - a time
when neither of you are busy or are likely to be
disturbed. Don't be tempted to undertake the
task when you, or they, are the worse for drink.
Don't prepare a speech or a lecture full of
baffling statistics - just try to be your usual
self and converse as you normally would. Do try
to get it across that your coming out changes
nothing, that you are still exactly the same
person you were before telling them, and that
the only one thing that has changed is that they
now know your true sexuality. Assure them that
you still love them / like them / need them the
same as you always have done, and tell them that
you hope upon hope that they can come to terms
with your sexuality and accept you for what you
really are, just as you had to.
Do be prepared for questions, some of which you
may not know the answers to - in which case be
honest; don't attempt to blag it. And do be
prepared for the unexpected; for things to go
badly wrong. They don't often, but they can. If
you are living with parents and you decide to
tell them, then no matter how sure you may be
that they will take it okay, it is sensible to
have somewhere else lined up where you could
stay for a while - just in case. This is one
reason why my advice for anyone under sixteen is
to wait until they are old enough to leave home.
That way there are no legal complications if it
all goes terribly wrong, life becomes
unbearable, and they need to spend a few nights
away from home. A major reason for a lot of
people coming out is to stop all those
embarrassing questions like: "When are you going
to find a nice girl and settle down?" As this
doesn't usually apply to anyone in their early
teens, a time when most lads still go "out with
the boys" and anything they might do is likely
to be seen as a fad or a mere phase that they
are going through, it is probably prudent to
wait for a few years. But whatever age you are,
if you do come out and it does all go tits up it
is imperative that you don't get into a heated
argument or a full blown row - be man enough to
walk away. A little time will often improve
matters, so make sure you stay in touch. Never
burn your bridges.
Worrying about how coming out might affect you,
the way it may affect others sometimes gets
overlooked. Here's a few issues regarding your
parents that you may need to understand and
address: It is natural for mothers to eagerly
look forward to their grandchildren and,
especially if you are an only child, they may
feel they are going to miss out on a large part
of their lives. Occasionally a father may feel
that his masculinity has been put in question by
producing a gay son and there may be some,
albeit even subconscious or hidden, resentment
that you have made it public knowledge. Your
parents, searching for a reason, may come to
believe that you are gay directly as a result of
them raising you incorrectly - they may hold
themselves responsible and feel guilty.
Unless you're cruel and don't care about your
parents, these issues need addressing with a lot
of love and support. Keep them involved in your
life as much as possible, let them see that you
are happy with your lifestyle, and be involved
in their lives too, but do respect their wishes
when it comes to meeting your gay boyfriends -
some will want to meet them; some won't in the
early days but will come around to it later; and
just a few will wish to carry on as if nothing
had been said - with the word "gay" never
mentioned again in front of them.
In the event the coming out to your parents goes
really badly, despite any animosity you need to
remember (for they will) that you are still
their son. They may hate your lifestyle, they
may not understand it, they may not be able to
come to terms with it, but they will always love
you as their son even though they may tell you
different and not be showing it at that time.
Don't give up on trying to build bridges - one
day one will probably reach them.
Whilst it is possible to come out to your
parents, and sometimes even to the wider family,
without others including your friends knowing
about you, the reverse may not necessarily be as
true. Unless you live away from your family and
nobody that knows you works (goes to college /
uni) where you do, in time there is a likelihood
that rumour or word will get back to someone you
would have preferred not to have known. It only
takes one friend to unwittingly tell someone,
perhaps someone who has revealed an interest in
you, that you bat for the other side for the
word to spread like wildfire as they do their
"Did you know...?" bit to all their friends and
family. Remember: once you have come out, even
if it is to only one person, you no longer have
a secret and you must be prepared for others to
find out about you at any time. For this reason
I have always considered it best to come out to
everybody, but you may feel differently.
There are some people who, when they weigh it
all up, decide it is best for their
circumstances to keep their sexuality a total
secret and to not come out at all. It can work,
but it's not without some consequences. For
years these people will have to suffer family
and friends frequently asking them when they are
going to meet the right girl and settle down. In
time they may even find that strange liaisons
are being arranged as they are invited to dinner
parties and paired off at the table with an
endless stream of left on the shelf girls. It
can all get a bit embarrassing, and when that
doesn't work, and there's still no girlfriend in
sight, at least one person will at some time
come right out with it and ask them point blank
if they are gay. What then? Do they lie to them,
and thereafter really live a lie? And if they
do, how do they feel about lying to their
friends and family - those people who love them?
Sometimes not coming out can be as hard as
actually coming out - only it lasts longer!
I have particularly covered coming out to the
parents and family most in this article because
I believe them to be the most important - you
cannot change your family whereas your friends
you can, and probably will, change many times
throughout your lifetime. If a friend can't
accept your sexuality, then how good a friend
are they? You are better off finding another
friend. And anyway, if you've come out, or are
coming out, you'll probably already have a lot
of gay friends, or be seeking them, so the loss
of an old friend won't matter that much.
Every year gay people are accepted a little
more, and so every year it becomes a little
easier for those considering coming out.
Nevertheless to most faced with the task the
experience can still be very unnerving - a
little like a first flight in an aircraft or a
first solo performance on stage to a massive
audience, but more so. You know it's all been
done before; it's done on a daily basis and
rarely does anything go wrong. You know by all
the odds that afterwards you will feel relieved,
and proud of yourself - but even knowing all
that doesn't help you much.
Some of the ways I benefited from coming out may
help you: There was an instant relief that I
didn't have to hide anything anymore - I could
be my true self. No more did I have to look over
my shoulder and scan the street before going
into a gay pub; no more did I have to check out
who was in WH Smiths before buying the Gay
Times; no more did the pictures on my walls have
to reflect the straight world - up went the
hunks! And no more did I have to cringe in
horror in case someone I knew saw the obvious
camp queen cooeying hello across the street at
me. Then there was the pleasure of being able to
tell a girl who had been after getting the pants
off me for months that I was gay, instead of
coming up with yet another excuse why we
shouldn't be doing it, and an even greater
pleasure in putting on an outrageously camp
voice (it's not the usual me) to a good friend's
over-sexed and persistent wife who once more was
playing tootsies under the table. "Dhaaarling!
I'm gay and I don't do fish suppers!" I
screamed. He looked; she fled - and I was never
bothered again.
Getting back to the more serious side, being
completely out it was no surprise to anyone when
I turned up at all the works parties with my
male partner. No more did I have to find excuses
and miss out on such things - it also started a
bit of a trend as two others began to bring
their male partners along too! And with my
partner, as an out gay couple, we were able to
go to both of our respective family's
celebrations, weddings, funerals and Christmas
parties as a part of that family. You could say
that coming fully out allowed us to enjoy a
normal life similar to that of any heterosexual
couple - apart from that what we did in bed. All
our neighbours accepted us. They loved our gay
parties and barbecues to which we always invited
them (some would even help out with the cooking
and the preparations - we were no fools!) and
they in return would invite us and many of our
gay friends to their parties.
I cannot imagine living my life in any other way
than being totally out and honest. What you see
is what you get, and if you don't like it -
tough! I know that not everybody will feel that
my way could be their way, but if they are
considering it and think it might be for them
then I am living proof that it can work. There
is so much I would not have done, and so much
life I would have missed out on, had I remained
even partially in the closet.
A few tips: It will be easier to come out if you
already have gay friends who will help and
support you. If you have a boyfriend who is
happy to come out with you (or is already out)
it will be even easier. If you are setting up
home with a partner, and you are out to your
parents, get your mothers to help you move in -
they'll do all the outing needed to the
neighbours and give you a "legitimacy" - you'll
have no problems. Finally, and I believe the
most important tip of all: Always try to live
your life with compassion, but the way that YOU
want to live it. It is your life and yours alone
- and you are only given the one. To waste even
a moment of it is to miss so much. Be lucky!
This article has been written with UK laws in
mind. In other countries the laws regarding
homosexuality, the ages of consent and the
legitimate ages that one may leave home might
vary.
©Michael Knell 2008.
This article has been written with UK laws in
mind.