GLBT Death and Bereavement

Losing a partner or close loved one in death is a terrible time for anyone who suffers it, but sometimes for gay people (GLBT) it can be that much harder if either of the families have never really come to terms with their sexuality and lifestyle, or there has been some kind of a separation, an independence, from them. Along with this, especially in younger years, gay people often believe that their friends are far too happy and carefree to be troubled to help them, and anyway they wouldn't really understand. Nevertheless all these avenues can, and probably should, be explored. Although you will need your space, it is not a good time to be completely alone.

No matter how much animosity there has been in the past, or distance put between you, at times like this, either in full or in part, families will often put all that behind them and be there for you. Don't count on it, but do hope and try for it. The experience of the older members who will understand your grieving, and know all that has to be done regardless of that at this terrible time for you, can be invaluable. Those friends too, although perhaps not fully appreciating your grief or having much knowledge of everything that has to be done, may still be a comfort. Don't shut them out, and do make allowances for any embarrassment or uneasiness they show. Like you, they are probably on a learning curve.

Losing someone in later years, perhaps after a lifetime spent together, is no easier. Many of the friends you aged with might no longer be around, and there may be no close family left to whom you can turn to for help. In senior years you will probably know all about the the legalities and what needs to be done, but may be wondering how you are going to manage to do it at your age. You may not yourself be in the best of health, or even easily mobile, and might even be wondering how you will survive without your loved one.

Fortunately Age Concern have offices just about everywhere, and are ranked as one of the most GLBT friendly organisations out there. All the help you could ever need is but one simple telephone call or email away. This is all a part and parcel of what they do, and their dedicated people feel fortunate to be able to do it - so allow them to. They will help you as much or as little as you wish, or need.

Sometimes elderly people feel too proud to ask for help, it is something to do with the upbringing of that generation and it crosses all sexualities. But don't let that be you. Save all that pride for the love and times you and your loved one shared together. Be proud of that, for it is a priceless treasure that no-one can take away from you. And having it, allow others now to be proud of what they do: helping people. We all need a bit of pride at times, so don't deny them theirs.

If you had entered into a Civil Partnership with the loved one you have lost, as legally the next of kin all the legalities to be encountered should be straightforward. Your wishes will be observed totally and you have the right of inheritance unless there is something to the contrary written in any Last Will and Testament, in which case as the next of kin you may still contest it. However should you not have entered into a Civil Partnership there could be others whose wishes and rights will come first. In the case of a hostile family you may, without legal challenge, have no say whatsoever in any of the arrangements and only inherit according to a Last Will and Testament, which they may contest. Should this be the case all is not necessarily lost, but you will need to seek legal advice immediately.

There are many grey and complicated areas regarding partnerships with no recorded legal standing where there is another claim as a successor. These days the length of time together, the proportion of expenses shared on an abode and chattels, and the relationship with the other claimant(s) over time may be just some of the things taken into account by a court when deliberating an outcome. However having to follow this course of contesting another claim can prove to be costly, so unless you can afford it easily know when to give in.

Other people may get everything material, but there will be some things they can never get. They are the wonderful memories of your time together, and all the love you had for each other. These things will live on in your heart forever, and one day you will come to realise: they are all you really wanted and needed from your partner, they are the most important things the two of you ever possessed, and they have never left you for a single moment. And neither will they.

There is a lot to be done following a death, much of it within a specified time, and though you will not feel like doing it, it has to be done. If you have family and friends to share this burden with you, even though you may want to be left on your own with your thoughts to grieve, allow them to help as it will be easier. There will be plenty of times when you will be alone with your thoughts later. We all grieve, and in many different ways. It is perfectly natural. Only time makes the heartache manageable, and for some it takes longer than for others. But however long we do grieve, it is never a measure of the amount of love we had for the one we have lost, more a measure of our inner strengths.

Help following a death is available from a funeral director, a family doctor, a solicitor, your minister of religion, social services, and the Citizens Advice Bureau. In most cases the first port of call will need to be the doctor.

Links to up to date information on: what to do first after a death; documents and information needed when someone dies; coroners, post-mortems and inquests; registering a death; organ donation; arranging a funeral; paying for a funeral; when someone dies in hospital or a care home; and when someone dies abroad, can all be found here at this page of www.direct.gov.uk.

Please remember there will ALWAYS be someone you can turn to at this time, usually many people, but they will not know you are suffering, feeling lost and alone, or unable to cope unless you tell them. Losing a loved one happens for nearly everybody at sometime or another, and few of us are able get through it without some help. Asking for someone to help is not a sign of any weakness, merely proof that you are human. People are out there for you, waiting to help. It is what they do. So seek them out if you need to, you don't have to face this time alone. They care. We care.

©Michael Knell 2008. This article has been written with UK laws in mind.

Bereavement Help in the UK: