QUOTATIONS

Over many years, all of the following quotations have appeared in my pennings. Many are new, a few old and adapted. Some will require deep thought, others a mere chuckle.

I've never met some of my favourite people. It keeps them that way.

If you want the perfect man or woman, then maybe you should write fiction. It's the reason many of us do.

The politically correct want your very soul. If you believe in political correctness, they've got it.

The truth sometimes hurts people, but political correctness may kill them.

We are all challenged by something - so often it's political correctness.

Some see global warming as kinda cool, others find it by far a more taxing affair.

Love is said to be blind, so why do we mostly make love in the dark?

Love and Lust are both four-letter words. There would be nothing wrong with either - were it not for the other.

You will never again have friends to equal those you had in your childhood, neither will you stop wanting them.

Minds that rule make rich people, hearts that rule make happy people, but something more is needed to make rich happy people.

We are all pawns in a game called Politics.

Being drunk is an excuse for not having sex with someone you love, and for having it with someone you don't.

Knowingly, nobody ever dies an atheist.

If our children are all our hopes for tomorrow, then what the hell have some people been hoping for?

Never confuse trust with faith. One is a hope, the other a belief in a hope.

The iPod is a novel way of inserting something into a blank space.

Lies never take away the pain of a truth that hurts, they merely prolong it.

He who laughs last, often laughs alone.

One should always be correct, but it pays to stop short of being dead right.

Youth is something we all have to suffer. If we are lucky we may look back on it with some amusement.

What we know today can only be proven by what we will know tomorrow.

It is only because it is not taught properly that every generation discovers sex and claims it as their own.

Today's experts are tomorrow's idiots far too often for them to be taken seriously.

Life: It is suffered by some and lived by others, but it is the ability to choose which that is important to us.

Never presume. Anything based on a presumption has no foundation whatsoever and therefore should only at best be considered precarious.

Religion is just another way of dying.

I'm inclined to believe most Christians are just people making an each-way bet.

If you are pleasing most and upsetting a few, then you are doing well. If you are pleasing everyone and upsetting nobody, then you are probably long-dead.

Whenever someone pays you a compliment, there will always be someone else listening who'll try to dig the dirt.

Happiness is a child's face. Agony, seeing it from old-age.

History can be appalling; nostalgia a fond interpretation.

Lost loves are never buried, at best they can only be successfully hidden.

One should be prepared for there being a God, for He will have a wicked sense of humour.

There is no word more important than: "if"; no harder one to say than: "sorry".

 

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It is only after considering some of those who you will have to share Heaven with, that you realise it will be Hell.

Often it is only when you don't like the answer that you don't believe it.

If one were an elephant, one would wonder what humans had to remember.

There's a lot to be said for ignorance, it carries with it none of the pain of knowledge.

Only an ignoramus can be happy most of the time.

Wisdom coming with old-age is another one of God's jokes.

Life-skills can only be learned through experience, they can never simply be taught.

When boys climbed tall trees, swam in rivers and went rafting on bits of wood, they learned more about themselves than anyone could ever hope to teach them.

One should always discover what they are, and then conceal that from all others.

Life should be an adventure, if it is not then maybe you are already dead.

When bosses becomes unbearable, I've always found it helps to picture them taking a dump.

Fashion makes a few people richer, and most people poorer.

Fashion guru: a person with the ability to accumulate great wealth through brainwashing the masses.

Soap operas reflect life - to all those people who don't have one.

 

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Big Brother: a way to watch paint dry without having to suffer the smell.

Alcohol makes people bearable - but not always if they are drinking it too.

Those entering politics will tell you they want to serve, when really they have a perversion to rule. Usually it is the first one of a long career of lies.

One way to realise your true significance is to lie alone in a field on a clear night and study the heavens; another is to become a mariner.

A person should always know their place in society, but that is not to say they should always observe it.

Old queens never die, they simply move to Blackpool.

Life is a journey from birth to death. Those who stay in the fast lane usually get there first.

Few things man has produced have ever given both so much misery and so much pleasure as alcohol.

Alcohol ruins relationships, lives, and kills people, but few would want to see it banned. Consuming it is one of the few freedoms we still possess.

When Danish bacon, Argentinean beef sausages, French eggs, American baked beans and Italian tomatoes go to make up a Full English Breakfast, what hope is there for Britain?

Wars rarely produce answers, but they always raise questions.

If you can put off doing something until tomorrow, you should be able to put off doing it then.

There are few places where one can be as lonely as in a roomful of people.

 

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When confronted by six of one or half-a-dozen of the other, it is often a bit of the other that proves the most tempting.

Man's best friend being a dog probably explains why marriage is going out of fashion.

Always be prepared for the prince you meet at a party being a frog on your pillow by morning.

I've always considered it unfortunate that adults don't, like children, have to wear the truth on their faces.

When someone tells you they have a clear conscience, it may only mean they have amnesia.

I suspect insanity is enjoyed as often as it is suffered.

However idiot proof you make something, there will always be a bigger idiot than for which you have catered.

Infancy is fun; some will tell you adultery is too.

Paedophilia is child's play.

If psychics were to exist we would not know what gambling was.

Anything that is worth doing will not have an easy way to do it.

The future is an adventure, only a fool would waste it dwelling on the past.

A fur coat is repulsive, but rarely as repulsive as those who would wear it.

Never rush to be in the latest fashion - it is so common.

I wouldn't want to be a celebrity - it is so common.

For some, love is an unhappiness they wouldn't be without.

 

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Overcoming a fear simply involves mastering the art of keeping the mouth moist and all other orifices dry.

No one who works can ever be said to have made it.

A zoo is one of the few places where animals can study people.

Flatulence tells the world where you are.

Halitosis tells you who your friends are.

A period will often sort the men out from the boys.

Syphilis tells you your choice of partner was a popular one.

Central heating, duvets, and microwave meals have freed us from many of life's chores - especially marriage.

One needs to remember: a gay man may not know how to be straight with you.

Life is an indeterminable time served between sex.

I find it hard if someone mentions they have a soft spot for me.

I've always been too hard up to buy Viagra.

Rent Boys: The more the price goes up, the more they go down.

Rent Boys: Those who think they're worth it. Punters: Those who aren't worth it.

Family affairs are all relative.

It takes balls to become a male stripper.

One should always look for some silly con when confronted by anything too good to be true.

A virgin is like unblemished snow. There is nothing quite like putting a piss-hole in it.

 

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Few things in life are more taxing than doing your tax returns.

Sunday trading is okay for all those who haven't got to get up for work on Monday morning.

I've never got the point with soap on a rope.

The most important thing in a gay club is the wallpaper.

Gay relationships are based on give and take; straight ones on give and give.

One should always scream for more - nothing makes anyone feel quite so inadequate.

The ring is the least of the give-aways a married man will worry about.

When something is offered to you on a plate, it is quite likely to be the leftovers.

Breakfast should always be an option.

Dancing shows off what you can do in bed - it also makes you too tired to do it.

Make someone happy - fake an orgasm.

One should never exchange bodily fluids when having sex. I've always found it wise to keep the gasses under control too.

Counsellors console, councillors control, and I have frequently found both of them to be a burden on society and a total waste of space.

Thankfully, there is nothing to compare to a disco dog - except another disco dog.

When we could laugh at fat people, we found we hardly had any. Since those days political correctness has created a nation of them.

Provide a cradle, and the people will jump into it in their millions. Remove it, and they will return to being sensible.

I taught my children not to talk to strangers - or to anyone associated with the cloth. I am regularly reminded on both counts of how wise was that decision.

The consequences of abandoning the animal kingdom's traditional way of teaching its offspring have proven to be dire.

Fiction writers should run the country. By necessity they are extremely efficient at working out all the possibilities of a situation, before they create it.

When the audience become restless, it is always a good time to bring on the clown!

Save the whales - believe me: the happy people don't need saving. Been there - done that!

It is the state of the people and not the people of State mattering most to me when judging a government.

Life should be experienced, not orchestrated.

Equality and Human Rights? Yes, I think I still remember such things - but which drawer marked "Nostalgia" did we put them in?

Blackpool has everything going for it. All it needs is someone coming to it.

Chickens should be scene . . .
 

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